Tuesday, 3 July 2018

Oh Brother Episode 34-36

I smiled as Christian placed his lips on my forehead, kissing it lightly. He smiled as I grabbed his arms tightly, and looked at me. With his large smile, I couldn’t help but grin as I suddenly hugged him. This was what we were meant to be. Not siblings. Not friends. But so much more.
Then locking his eyes on mine, he moved his face closer to mine. I sighed quietly as I parted my lips and closed off our distance, kissing him. Kissing him the way I wanted to for so long. With our lips moving in sync, everything felt right. Everything felt the way it was supposed to be.
That was when I woke up. With my body alert, I sat up quickly and gasped. Placing a hand over my heart, I realized I hadn’t been with Christian. Not like that – ever. It was just a stupid dream, an illusion of what I wanted. Suddenly, I felt upset.
In my dream it had felt so right. Being with him made perfect sense. In fact, it would have been the only thing to have made sense in my corrupted life. But it had been a dream and incest existed in reality. With that, there was no way my dream could become reality.
I didn’t know why my dream got to me, but I was now clutching my hair in frustration. One part of me wanted to scream, another wanted to let go of him, and another wanted to cry. For once I felt like I was leaning towards the crying side, which was frustrating. I couldn’t bare to cry over a guy. No matter how incredible he was, I just couldn’t.
I got up at that, knowing I’d be a fool to go back to sleep after a dream like that. There was no way I’d go back to that world I wanted because I needed to forget about Christian. I needed to move on, because we could only be step-siblings. My heart needed to learn that.
Pacing around my room, I wondered what was stopping me from moving on. I had learned about incest, told myself to forget him, and even rejected him. There was something stopping me from getting my closure, and suddenly an idea popped into my mind. The one thing I hadn’t done was tell someone about my feelings. I had been holding it in all this time, which made me realize I needed to visit my best friend.
The door to Dee’s house soon flew open and Dee smiled. But as her eyes landed on my own, her smile fell. Suddenly, she looked concerned.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
For some reason, I began to cry at those words. Something inside me snapped, and I was suddenly like a waterfall as I began to sob in front of Dee. Her eyes widened, but she hugged me.
“Hey,” she said gently. “Let’s go inside and talk.”
I nodded and she gently pushed me inside. Still keeping an arm around me, she then brought me upstairs and into her room. Tears were streaming down my face the entire way, but I found myself oddly relieved. I guess because I had been holding everything in for so long.
Once in her room, she sat me down on her pink bed. I wiped my tears away as she sat next to me, knowing I needed to confess to her. I needed to tell her that I liked Christian when I shouldn’t. My stomach twisted, knowing this would be a painful conversation.
“Autumn,” Dee said as I finally looked at her eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“I like Christian,” I said, letting myself become an open book. “That’s what’s wrong.”
“You finally admitted it.” Dee’s eyes softened.
I frowned. “How did you know I like him?”
“It’s obvious from the way you guys look at each other.” Dee shook her head and smiled. “Why do you think I backed off from him? When you two danced together you guys looked really happy. There was no way I’d come between that.”
I frowned at that. Back then, I had no idea I had feelings for Christian. But then again, I felt like I had always liked Christian. And that was why I pushed him away in the past. It wasn’t that I ever hated him, but I was scared of my feelings for him.
Seeing that I wouldn’t say anything, Dee said, “So, what’s the problem with liking Christian? You guys are perfect for each other.”
“Incest,” I muttered. “My feelings for him are a taboo. It’s disgusting and everyone would hate us if we got together.”
Dee frowned. “You guys aren’t related by blood. There’s no incest.”
“But everyone views us as siblings!” I exclaimed, feeling frustrated with myself. “My feelings are so wrong.”
My eyes began to tear up again as I looked away from Dee. I didn’t want people finding us disgusting. I didn’t want anyone thinking that of Christian. Even if I could ignore how disgusting it was to like him, everyone else would not ignore it. We would become outcasts.
“Autumn,” Dee said gently. “No one even knows you guys are step-siblings. Even the people who do wouldn’t judge.”
“What about our parents?” I grumbled.
“Your parents would understand.” Her eyes softened. “You guys are their children.”
I laughed bitterly. “My mom would think I’m some demon who made Christian fall for his own sister. I would get disowned.”
Dee’s eyes widened. “Who gave you all these crazy ideas?”
“Ugh, him.” Dee rolled her eyes. “He’s just mad because you rejected him.”
“That doesn’t mean his words aren’t true…”
“Autumn!” Dee suddenly exclaimed. “Christian makes you happy. He probably likes you back and you’re letting yourself despair over a stupid word. Isn’t being happy the most important thing in life? Ignore everything else and be that.”
“I can’t, Dee,” I groaned. “Incest. That’s so wrong.”
“It is, but your situation is not incest. Tell me one situation where you seriously felt like what you were doing was incest.”
My mind flew to the party and I found my face heating up. My mind had been screaming incest, but my heart really wanted to kiss Christian back. I had wanted to know his lips so freaking badly. If it weren’t for Nate, I probably would’ve kissed him. Just like at the lockers, I would have just felt like I was kissing the boy I really liked.
“Have you guys kissed?” Dee suddenly asked.
My face turned even more red as I sighed. “Kind of. He kissed me and I didn’t kiss him back. I couldn’t with the though of incest.”
“You probably broke his heart.” Dee’s eyes widened with horror. “Do you guys talk anymore?”
“Yeah, he was drunk so he doesn’t remember anything.” I smiled sadly. “He was wasted, so I know that’s why he even kissed me.”
Dee raised an eyebrow and I looked away. The one thing that left me also conflicted was how Christian may feel about me. He kissed me, but he was drunk. But then again, he had put his lips on me before when he was sober. A part of me wondered if he did like me back, but I also knew things would be so much more complicated if he did.
“Autumn,” Dee said softly. “I don’t know how I can help you. You seem intent on this incest thing.”
I frowned at her, wondering why she was the one giving up. It was I with the huge problem. I, who needed her counselling. Her giving up destroyed my last ounce of hope.
“But do one thing for me,” she continued on. “The next time you guys share a moment, be selfish. Don’t think about anything except him, and follow your heart. If it really feels wrong to you then you’ll know he’s not the one. You’ll know you have to move on. Okay?”
I nodded, even though what she said was something I couldn’t do. With my brain filled with thoughts of incest, I didn’t know if I could follow my heart. The kiss had been something my heart wanted, but I had listened to my brain. Deep down I knew I wouldn’t get my closure because of that.
Wanting to change the subject, I said, “I’m always selfish.”
I forced a smile, but Dee frowned. “No you aren’t. You try to be, but you care too much about everything.”
And with those words, I began to cry again. It was like Niagara Falls, which reminded me of what Christian said. I was strong. Even if there were many obstacles, I knew I could get through this. I knew I would make it. As tears steamed down my face and Dee hugged me, I smiled as I realized Christian had given me hope of getting over him. How ironic.

“I don’t know if it’s because he has the same name as my dad, but I feel really bad for Stefan,” Christian commented, grabbing a handful of popcorn from the bowl I was holding.
“I know.” I sighed. “But Damon. Think of all the pain he’s been through.”
“What about all the pain Stefan’s been through?”
“Well, he’s more attractive than Damon.” I grinned at Christian. “That makes up for everything.”
Christian rolled his eyes and I giggled. Everything felt okay. Just being here like this with him was okay.
Crying to Dee a week ago had really helped me. A part of me had accepted that this was as much as I could ever get from him, and I was okay with it. There were plenty of fish in the sea, so the most I could do was move on from him.
“Are you going to the school dance?” Christian asked, throwing a popcorn at me.
I narrowed my eyes at him and wiped the popcorn away. “Yeah, how about you?”
He nodded, but frowned. “Yeah, but…”
“But?” I raised my eyebrows, intrigued.
“It’s a formal dance, right?”
I nodded.
“Which means we have to do ballroom dancing, right?”
I nodded again.
He sighed. “I don’t know how to ballroom dance.”
“Really?” My eyes widened at Mr. Perfect. “It’s actually not that hard.”
“So you know how to?”
“Yeah, I love it.”
Suddenly he brightened up. His blue eyes shone and I frowned, wondering what would come next.
“Will you teach me how to ballroom dance?” he asked, eyes shining with hope. “Please.”
The question caught me off guard. For a fact, I knew this was a bad idea. I was supposed to be getting over him, which made dancing with him a bad idea. But seeing how he excited he looked, I was left with no choice. I couldn’t bare to reject him.
“Sure,” I replied, looking away as he grinned. “Later though. When our parents are gone.”
“Yeah, for sure.” He chuckled lightly. “Your mom would have a heart attack at the sight of us dancing together.”
I smiled, knowing it was true. My mom would get a heart attack. I knew that ever since Stephen told me that she wasn’t happy with Christian and I getting closer. That was one of the reasons why I knew being with Christian was impossible. My mom would definitely never accept us together.
“Okay, I’ll teach you at around six. Got that?” I eventually said.
He nodded and the excitement I saw on his face was almost painful. Even though a part of me was also excited, I also felt like this was a bad idea. After all the feelings I forced away from him, I had a bad feeling this would bring them back. But, there was nothing I could do
“Why are you wearing heels?” Christian asked, frowning as I walked to the middle of the living room.
“Makes the ballroom dancing more elegant.” I shrugged.
Christian walked towards me with a smile on his face. I wasn’t sure of why he was so excited, but I was glad to see him so happy.
“Well,” he said, stopping in front of me. “At least you’re finally taller than my shoulder.”
I glared at him as he laughed, even though he was right. He was six feet and I was barely five feet. Our height difference was huge, and finally I caught up – a bit.
“Do you want to learn to ballroom dance or not,” I said, grinning as his eyes widened with fear.
“Yes, sorry, don’t be mad,” he quickly said.
With a satisfied smile, I stepped closer to him. My heart was repressing any sort of feelings as I stood near him, but I still couldn’t stop my heart from pounding at the smell of his cologne. It was like a forest – like the forest we hiked in.
“First,” I said, forcing myself to forget about the nice smell. “Put a hand on my waist.”
He did that gently and his eyes softened as I smiled. A part of me was loving this, but the other part of me felt wrong. I hated how I always had an inner war with myself.
“Now I’ll put a hand on your shoulder,” I said, doing that. “And we’ll hold our empty hands together.”
He grinned as we were now in the position to ballroom dance. My smile grew as well, seeing his gorgeous grin. Shaking my head, I knew I had to shower to forget his his touch. Probably in holy water.
“This is the most intimate we’ve been,” he commented, staring right into my eyes as he continued to grin.
I laughed, but blush flooded into my cheeks. That was a total lie, but he didn’t know that. The memory of his birthday party was missing for him.
“Anyways.” I rolled my eyes, trying to get rid of my blush. “Let’s dance.”
I began showing him the moves to ballroom dancing. At first, I had to admit he was terrible. He kept stumbling over his own feet, stepping on mine, and moving in the wrong direction. If it wasn’t so amusing, I might’ve been annoyed by the pain in my toes. But eventually, we got it done. Slowly, but surely.
Christian and I twirled around the living room together. We were only a few inches apart, but that didn’t stop us from grinning at each other. With our eyes bright, I knew he was enjoying this just as much as I was.
After a few minutes of perfect dancing, I stopped in my spot and said, “Okay, enough.”
He pouted. “Aw, really?”
I nodded. “Finally you’ve mastered it.”
“But it’s so much fun!”
“It is, but I’m tired.” My eyes softened as I noticed how disappointed he looked. “Sorry. The dance is tomorrow, you can dance with someone there.”
I was about to let go of his hand and shoulder, and move away, but his grip tightened on me. Looking up at him, frowning, I was surprised to see that he suddenly looked dead serious. Nervousness blossomed in me at that.
“Autumn,” he said, staring at me with eyes that suddenly held affection. “Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah,” I said quietly.
With his blue eyes piercing me, I suddenly felt really nervous. Deep inside I wondered if he figured out that I liked him. It had been obvious when we danced because I had been so happy with my butterflies. So yearning too. Now I was scolding myself as he stared at me.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you this for a while,” he said, suddenly smiling sadly. “It’s been killing me, but I’m scared.”
“You can ask me anything,” I said quietly, wanting to know why he suddenly looked sad. “You know that right?”
“Do you have feelings for me?” The question flew out of his mouth, but his eyes looked so sure of the question.
Horror rose up within me as I became right. He knew. Christian knew that I liked him. I didn’t know what to do now.
“Why are you asking?” I asked, avoiding the question.
“Because I like you.” His eyes softened. “But scratch that question, do you think we would be disgusting together? That if we were a couple, it would be incest. You said it at my birthday, but… I can’t believe it.”
My heart stopped at his confession and by the fact the he remembered his birthday. For so long I wanted to hear that he liked me back. That he had the same affection I had for him. But I wasn’t happy from his confession like I should’ve been.
Christian and I could never be together, which meant he could never feel that way about me. I couldn’t either, which was horrible. But, the thought of incest was worst. I forced myself to think about incest as I fought the urge to confess my own feelings. But something else was also bothering me.
“You remember your birthday?” I asked cautiously as my stomach twisted with nervousness.
He nodded. “Yes, every second of it. Now answer my question… Please.”
His eyes looked almost pleading as he stared at me. I knew he wanted what I said in the past to be a lie. Wanted it untrue like me, but I just couldn’t do it.
“Yeah, it is incest,” I said gently. “Incest is wrong… Disgusting.”
He winced as if I had slapped him, and I found myself feeling the same way. This was wrong. I couldn’t help but feel like this wasn’t the way things should’ve went down.
“Do you really think that?” he asked, eyes expressing pain.
I nodded, looking away. My legs felt limp, but I wanted to run. To run away from this situation that would’ve been perfect if it weren’t for that stupid word.
To my surprise, I realized Christian was moving closer to me as his smell became heavier. With my heart freezing, I realized his chest was right in front of me as he moved his face to the side of mine. His breathing was soft, but it gave me shivers.
“This is wrong, huh?” he whispered into my ear.
At that, I froze. My whole body was warming up at how near he was, and my heart suddenly stopped beating as he placed his lips on my jaw. I loved it when he did that, I realized as I shivered. My heart began pounding again as he trailed his lips along the bone, but my brain was screaming incest. My stupid brain was getting in the way of the his lips on me, but I still felt warmth and lust.
“Does this feel wrong?” he mumbled, sliding his lips onto my neck.
My body was screaming for more as he did that, which made me hate myself. I was supposed to be getting over him, but here I was allowing him to freeze me with his lips.
I closed my eyes as he kept kissing me. Gasping, I moved both of my hands to his shoulders and tightened my grip on him. Even though I was loving this, I wanted more. I just wanted his lips on mine, but my brain was still screaming incest.
As he continued planting kisses on me, my urge for a single kiss grew. I wanted it badly. So badly that my body felt like it was on fire, with only a kiss from Christian to die it down. But even with that, I just couldn’t because of the thought of incest. The thought of being disgusting.
But then, I thought about what Dee said. She told me to aim for happiness. To listen to my heart who wanted nothing more than to kiss Christian. Just once, she told me to give it a chance. To be selfish, and ignore everything else. Only then would I get the closure I needed, and that was exactly why I forgot about my brains screaming. Why I moved my hands to Christian’s face.
Moving away to look at me, Christian asked with his eyes full of lust, “Does this really feel wrong?”
I didn’t answer his question as I brought my lips to his and kissed him. I kissed him as passionately as I wanted to with no regrets. It didn’t feel wrong. It didn’t feel like incest. As his lips moved along mine in perfect sync, I knew that this was right.
I sighed lightly as we kissed. As my whole body relaxed at his lips, I felt a sudden want of taking in as much as I could of him. So for a while, we made out. We kissed as if this would be the last time we’d ever be able to, knowing the possibility of that being true. With smiles in between our kisses, the word incest never occurred to me.

With yesterday fresh in my mind, I felt giddy. As I got ready for the dance with Dee, I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. Mainly because I had an answer to Christian’s constant question.
It didn’t feel wrong. In fact, it felt incredible and I knew that this was what I wanted. To be able to touch him whenever I wanted. To be with him as more than just siblings. I was sure of it after yesterday.
“Why are you so happy?” Dee asked as she straightened her own hair. “Obviously it’s Christian related, but what happened?”
I blushed at how obvious it was that something had happened between me and Christian. He had turned me into someone who was love struck, but I wasn’t complaining. After yesterday, I had nothing to complain about.
“We made out,” I simply said, smiling shyly. “That’s all.”
“That’s all?” Dee’s eyes widened. “Are you seriously saying that’s all. Oh my god! You made out with him!”
I laughed. “Okay, sorry for trying play it down.”
“Why in the world are you trying to play it down! This is incredible!”
I laughed again at her clear happiness for me. This was definitely why I loved her. Even when Dee had once wanted him, she was able to be happy for me.
“Wait, does Cheryl know anything?” Dee suddenly asked, stopping my laughter.
“No,” I said, slightly ashamed. “Can we keep it that way?”
“Why?” Dee frowned. “She’d be so happy.”
“I know, but it’s not like we’re dating. I’ll wait for that to tell her.” I shrugged. “I don’t want to jinx anything, you know.”
That was only sort of true. I was still slightly mad at her, even though she had been right. It was strange, but that side of me made me wonder how Christian could ever like me. I wasn’t about to ask him that though. What we had now was good enough. With the word incest buried in the back of my mind, I was excited to see him at the dance.
I flattened out my dress as I stepped into the school gymnasium. With the long, royal blue dress I wore, I was glad to see that I matched the decorations of blue balloons and streamers around the gym. It should’ve made me less noticeable, but my royal blue seemed to stand out beautifully with the colour of it surrounding me. I smiled as the lights dimmed, looking for Christian.
“You guys look incredible.”
Dee and I turned around to face Cheryl, who had her straight hair curled for the first time. In her red dress, she looked stunning. I was glad to see her dressed up for once.
“Wow! Look at you!” Dee exclaimed, grinning. “Someone isn’t going home alone tonight.”
Cheryl and I laughed at that, but I couldn’t help but think of Christian. I had gotten ready at Dee’s house, so I hadn’t seen him in a while. I hadn’t seen him since our make out session actually, which made me nervous.
“Looking for Christian?” Cheryl suddenly asked.
“No,” I lied, not in the mood to bring him up to her. “I’m not.”
Her eyes widened as I turned around and walked off. Dee followed me and I sighed, knowing I was being a horrible person. Christian should be hate me, I knew. But, he didn’t. He never did.
I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder, and I froze at the warm touch. Without turning around, I knew who it was.
“Where are you running off to?” Christian asked, and I could hear the amusement in his tone.
I turned around and smiled at him. He looked incredible. In his black suit that fit him just right, he looked like he should be modelling. Pride welled up within me at that.
“Looking for something,” I answered, smiling innocently.
Moving his hands to my waist, he said quietly, “You mean, someone?”
I bit my bottom lip to fight off a smile. Sometimes it was strange seeing this side of Christian. He had always been so innocent to me, but then he had this side that was so flirtatious. It drove me insane – in a good way.
“Yeah,” I replied just as quietly, wanting to be with just him. “You.”
He broke out into a smile and pulled me closer to him. I smiled back at our close distance. One wrong move and we would be making out again, I realized. Knowing that couldn’t happen here, I pulled away and walked off. I gave him a flirtatious smile as he huffed, causing him to smile as well. My heart fluttered.
I had spent most of the dance with Cheryl and Dee. Even though I wanted to be with Christian, I was kind of scared. I knew people would talk, which worried me. The word incest had disintegrated, but it didn’t mean that others judgments had too.
Suddenly, I heard the music playing turn into classical music. I glanced at Dee and Cheryl who were talking, and smiled to myself. The memory of Christian and I dancing was fresh in my mind, so I decided to live off of that for now.
But suddenly, I felt a hand grab my own. Bringing my eyes up to my favourite blue eyes, I smiled.
“You told me to dance with some girl,” Christian said, smiling. “I choose you.”
I found myself melting as he dragged me to the dance floor. Before I knew it we were in the same position as yesterday, and we were moving gracefully across the dance floor. And to my utter surprise, I couldn’t care less about everyone else. This didn’t feel wrong, so I didn’t care.
As Christian and I danced, we stared at each other. There was a huge smile on his face and I had a feeling I also wore the same smile. With my heart racing, I suddenly had this urge to just confess. To tell him that I really like him. Looking away from him to see my friends who were smiling at me, I knew that I should. We had been through so much together, and it was time to have a happy ending.
I looked up at Christian and my eyes softened. He was still staring at me, looking as if I was the only thing he cherished in this large, beautifully cruel world. Knowing he did like me back – as shocking at it seemed – I felt confident.
The music stopped after a bit and everyone stopped dancing. Christian didn’t let go of my hand as he led me away from the dance floor, and I smiled as I walked side-by-side with him to a table nearby. With my heart still racing, I was ready to tell him how I felt.
As we stopped near the table, I looked up at him and blushed when I noticed that he was staring at me. He never seemed to take his eyes off of me, which was comforting to someone who never felt pretty. I hated rushing into feelings, but I definitely felt like what I felt for him was more than just a crush at this point. More than just a special like. I wasn’t sure if it was love, but I sure as hell cared about him a lot.
I opened my mouth to tell him that, but then someone else said, “Autumn, isn’t that your stepbrother?”
I turned to see who had spoken. It was a girl in my Math class, Sam, who I spoke to here and there. With curiosity evident in her eyes, she smiled up at Christian. A bad feeling began to stir in my stomach.
Reluctantly, I said, “Yeah.”
“Oh.” She frowned. “And you were dancing with him?”
“Yeah…” The bad feeling grew.
“Oh, how cute.” She laughed suddenly. “I guess he’s just a nice guy who didn’t want you being alone. If his intentions were anything else, it would be incest.”
Sam continued to laugh, but I cringed. I cringed at the very word I had tried so hard to repress. With the word popping into my mind, I found my heart sinking.
“That would be disgusting.” Sam smiled, seeming to think we found this situation as funny as her. “Two siblings dating… Ew.”
At that, I found my heart aching. I found myself thinking about what I was doing. Of how bad it must look to others. As much as I liked Christian, I realized I couldn’t do this. I just couldn’t deal with others judgement. My brain screamed at me for ever thinking I could repress the stupid word.
“You should leave,” Christian suddenly said, sounding gentle but stern.
I wouldn’t dare look at him as I looked down from Sam’s frowning face. With this realization, I knew that this wouldn’t work. I had to forget about Christian. For the both of us, this was for the best. My stomach twisted and I suddenly wanted to scream. Cry maybe, but mostly scream.
“Autumn,” Christian said, sounding cautious as Sam walked off.
“I’m sorry,” was all I said, before I ran off.
Incest . Who knew a single word could ruin my life. Could make me want to cry until I shrivelled up. It was so horrible.

To be continued.


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