Tuesday, 24 October 2017

THE PROGNOSTICATOR Episode 2 & 3

Immediately i wake, i was down with
headache coupled with body pain, i don’t
seems to get myself
any longer .
.
Oh Dear lord! please safe me from iya
alakara o, i
prayed.
I checked the time and it was 1:05am.
Gbam! I
couldn’t sleep again till day break. Early in
the morning i headed to iya alakara room to
greet and apologizes for my wrong deed.
.
I prostrated for her
.
Me: Ekaaro ma ( Good morning ma)
.
Iya Alakara: Omo mi kaaro, bawo ni?
(Morning my son, how are you?)
.
Me: Dada ni ma, mowa lati wa be’yin wipe ki
ema binu ana ( Fine ma, i came to apologize,
not to be angry with what i did wrong
yesterday) .
Iya Alakara: omo mi nie, mi kole binu sio,
mofi origin o, sugbon mase san iru aso bee
soro mo ( You are my son, am not angry
with you, you are forgiven, but don’t try
such attitude again)
.
Me: Ese ma, olorun yoo je ki epe fun wa
( Thank you ma, may your day be long for
us)
.
*** May your day be long kwa? For where? I
wanted death for her***
.
Since then i dare talk to iya alakara anyhow,
if she called me once guess what? I will
answer thrice
.
***** BACK TO PRESENT*****
“But Iya alakara has forgiven me nah”
“She might not be behind my problem
oooo”
“What makes me fight her in the first place”?
“Who have i offended”?
“Imaging at age of 23 i had no girlfriend”
.
I was lost in thought when i heard knock on
my door, I opened my door, standing before
me was “Mujeeb” i do called him “CNN” CNN
is my main man, tall and dark with big head
like that of oke iragbiji hill, sometime i do
called him #headward, Don’t let him hear o,
unless you want him to get mad at you.
CNN is even faster than Sahara reporter in
breaking news, only God know where he do
gets his breaking news from, CNN is the first
person to break the news of death of
stepen keshi to us, samething with shaibu
Amodu and heneritta Kosoko. Dam CNN
(mujeeb) is something else.
.
EEWO!!! I haven’t introduced myself since
morning and you guyz don’t even remind
me, you guyz are so wicked ooo. Well,.
.
***INTRODUCTION***
My name is kunle but most people know me
as #pesman funny name indeed, you want
to know what’s behind that name? Let me
quickly tell you, I love “PES” game, i preferred
it than any food, if i see PES game my
problem is
solved.
One day i went to a Game center to play
betting, i bet with my school fee and i won
the guy i played it with a margin of 5-1.
Since then i was
crowned king of PES because the guy i won
was also a professional in the game.
.
I’m the third child in the family of four and
i’m the only boy amidst of them, i had two
elder sister and one junior sister.
Our elder sister (kemi) got married
years back and relocated to lagos with her
husband.
Likewise the second one ( mayor ) she has
also
married and followed her husband to
kaduna, left papa, mama, i and my junior
sister in our house, but now i’m now a big
boy, am not living with them anymore.
I had secured one single room in the next
three street to our family house
.
Enough about myself. Back to main story
.
Me: CNN how are you?
CNN: guy i dey o, my house is boring to me,
that’s why i am here for you to keep my
company, but guy you don’t seems well to
me
what is the matter?
.
Me: you are like brother to me we are more
than friends, something is bothering my
mind.
CNN: pesman whatever bothering your
mind, feel free to tell me you are safe with
me, you know problem share is problem
solved?
.
Me: But i am scared of you
.
CNN: *** shocked*** sacred of me? Why?
.
Me: Because of your talk talk, if i share my
problem with you now i know you will
surely tell another people, you king of
breaking news.
.
CNN: God forbid, the news i used to spread
is the news of international people not local
guy like you, how many people know you
self?
.
*** This gut is crazy oo, me local guy?***
.
Me: You know what? In the next three
months to this time i will be celebrating my
24th birthday.
.
CNN: congrats and so? Are you the first
person to reached 24th in your family?
.
Me: The most painful things of it is that i had
no girlfriend, all the girls i approached used
to turned me down, despite how
handsome i am.
.
CNN : Ugly you, see pesman you are my pal
and i will help you out what are friends for?
.
*** My heart leap with joy on hearing “i will
help you out” ***
.
Me: Thank you my man, i don’t regrets
having you as a friend.
CNN : You welcome
.
Me: Oya tell me what to do
.
CNN : *** clear throat*** you know what?
.
*** Thank God CNN wants to arranged
“Tope” for me, because two of them are very
close friend, I love Tope no be small***
.
Me: What?
.
CNN : i will take you to “IFAYEMI” the king of
babalawo ( Herbalist) of our community,
baba will help you out
.
Me: What babalawo???
.
***FAYEMI THE BABALAWO***
.
One Adage says “show me your friends to
know who you are”
CNN is about to ruin my life by Getting me
involved
with “babalawo”.
I don’t regrets having him as a friend but
I’m now having different feelings for him, i
could remember he once told me that he
can
do anything to make money. hmm, I hope
CNN is not proposing my life for ritual,
maybe its a
planned work with “fayemi” (babalawo)
.
CNN: what are you thinking?
.
Me: I heard arsenal wants to sign Jarmy
Vardy
.
CNN: how has that related to what we are
discussion? See guy, you need to see
babalawo, he will help you out with spiritual
power, you will have more than “seven
girlfriends” at a time.
.
*** “Seven girlfriends” at once? on hearing
this my head spark like naked life and
neutral wire that touches each
other. ***
.
Me: I am afraid of the side effect and
perhaps the consequences
.
CNN: side effect? Mumu guy, you heard
spiritual power get side effect? Guy let
me tell you only oyinbo medicine dey get
side effect.
.
Me: ok! Lets go then i am ready, i can’t wait
to have “seven girlfriends” at once
.
————————————-
AN HOUR LATER
***FAYEMI’S HOUSE***
CNN knocked on the door like five times, but
“fayemi” did not open door for us, i placed
my right ear on the door i can heard
“Fayemi” reciting some incantation, i
heard it clearly but can’t remember it again.
Five minutes later, the door was opened
revealing
Fayemi standing before us, he dressed in
white up and down to match, white Agbada,
white trouser, white cap and white pair of
shoe, Mr white i almost said.
*** omo see this man o, is this babalawo or
swagger man? See dressing code, my mind
is telling me this man is going to dupe me
***
.
CNN: Ekasan baba (good afternoon sir)***
He prostrated, i also joined him – when last
did i prostrate for my father only God
knows***
.
Fayemi: Eyin omo mi bawo ni? (my sons
how are you?)
.
Me/CNN: Dada ni sir (fine sir)
.
Fayemi: Ewo bi mose mura, mofe malo si
ipade awon babalawo ni ewole yi, sugbon
eje kin Saree dayin lohun kin to malo. (see
the way i dressed, i was about to leave for
babalawo meeting before you walked in but
let me quickly attend to you before I start
get going)
.
Me/CNN : Ese sir (Thank you sir) *** We
sitted
on the mat facing fayemi who sitted on
wooden chair***
.
Fayemi: Oya Mon’gboyin ( now i am
listening)
.
CNN : Baba ore mi yi ni momu wabayin, bi
esen wo yii, ose tonbo lomape omo odun
merin lelogun, sugbon koni obinrin afe sona
kankan, mowa so fun wipe ise aye ni,
sugbon ni kete ti moti mu wasi odo yin,
momo wipe oro re ti dayo. (baba i bring this
my friend to you, as you are seeing him he
will be 24years old by next week, but he had
no girlfriend, and i told him it was the work
of witches form his family, but now that we
are here in front of you, i believed his
problem is solved)
.
*** Na you get problem not me, b-----d
boy***
.
Fayemi: Beeni oro yin ti dayo, sugbon moti
pe fun ipade awon “babalawo” ti monlo,
ewa malo si ile todadi otunla ki epada wa.
(yes your problem has been solved, but i’m
running late for the babalawo’s meeting i’m
attending, you can go now and
come back in three days times)
.
Me/CNN: Thank you sir *** we left***
.
On our way home CNN and i kept discussing
on random topics, we about to reached my
house when he suddenly stopped walking,
and this conversation followed
.
CNN : oh! I almost forgot I haven’t stake
nairabet
today.
.
Me: *** Relived i Thought he wanted to faint
when he suddenly stopped walking***
you and this Naira bet sha, since you have
been playing you haven’t win a game and
you keep losing your money.
.
Ps. Nairabet is a football gambling betting
play
by most Nigeria youth, am also among
nairabet player thou… Nairabet must pay our
money o
.
CNN : is it your father money?
.
Me: That’s why you didn’t has two trousers
.
CNN : Na your father get this one i wear?
.
Me: You mean the trouser?
.
CNN : No, gown
.
Only if he puts on a gown
.
To be continued
.
Episode 3
Continues..
***NAIRABET’S SHOP***
.
FIVE MINUTES LATER
*** We walked in to a nearby nairabet shop.
I almost
fainted with what i saw, because it was my
first
time of entering any gambling shop, the
shop
was well furnished with plasma tv, alot of
monitors, couch, Ox fan and alot of
advertisements poster were pasted on the
wall. The place is too crowded, o boi naija
guys
no dey work ni? Or is bank sited here? I said
to
myself***
.
CNN: guy shey you go play?
.
Me: You mean nairabet?
.
CNN: No ludo game
.
Me: i don’t know how to play it oo, maybe
next time, you will have to teach me.
.
***Baba o, Baba agbalagba (Elderly man)
The king of gambling, Baba na you oh, even
after you, na you, Baba i dove my hat for you
oo. Baba wetin dey for the boys nah? Wetin
you bring for us nah? Na you we dey wait
for since morning o, The king of gambling
himself. The people keep hailing O.J the guy
that just walked him, (The guy name is OJO
so O.J Is abbreviation of OJO ) baba shey na
goal goal you wan give us or over two point
five (over 2.5 ) we are fully ready oo, they
keep hailing O.J
.
This guy must be guru for this game o, see
as they keep hailing him like celebrity, if dem
born him well let him meet me at playstation
center. Him go hear am, i thought within
myself***
.
O.J: Thank you my guys, you just make my
day, and i will also make your week by given
you just seven odd (7 odd)
.
*** People continued shouting, some
people starting jumping up, i can see joy in
their faces***
.
O.J: Like i always said, your father is poor,
your mother is poor, you are not an okada
(bike) rider, you are not a bus conductor,
you are not playing nairabet and you always
bought new jean trouser and shirt during
this baba buhari Regime, my friend you
must be a thief.
.
*** This O.J guy must be mad oo, must i
played nairabet before i can buy new
wears?***
.
Me: CNN what’s the meaning of (7 odd?)
.
Cnn: Don’t ask me yet, let O.j give us the
game first, i will explain latter.
.
*** omo ale! B-----d!***
.
As O.j continued his sermon, one damsel
beautiful lady walked in to the nairabet
shop,
dressed in a simple pink gown and pair of
sandals. Her hair, thought undone but was
neatly packed, her face was a little oily and
her legs too, she greeted us and say please
where
can i charge my phone? She asked nobody
in particular, i quickly moved closed to her,
collected her phone plunged it to
unoccupied socket beside my seat, i later
discovered her name was “DUPE” – more
story
about dupe later.-
.
O.J: As you all know that am a diehard
Arsenal fan
but this week it is not matter of my club, let
me tell you the fact this ongoing Euro 2016
is full of supprise you won’t believe – unless
you watched it , “Iceland” is my banker this,
you know
“Iceland” is playing “England” kindly play
“Iceland” straight win, That is my seven (7
odd) for this week, best of luck to you guys
.
*** People starting the betting with huge
amounts, some bet it with 5k, 7k, 15, CNN
also bet it with 5k
.
Phone vibrated, its message mtn with their
vexatious messages, i will check it later i said
to myself***
.
Me: CNN oya tell me, what is the meaning of
seven odd?
.
CNN: seven odd means seven cool thousand
naira #7,000
.
Me: I don’t understand
.
CNN : ok, “Iceland” was given 7 odd, it
means
if you stake “Iceland” with #1,000, if
“Iceland” win the game/match against
“England” you will collect #8,000 so #7,000
is your gain, if you play it with #2,000 you
will collected 16k so 14k
will be your gain
.
Me: Cool business
.
CNN: Yeah! Very cool business
.
*** Phone rings , it was my mum calling***
.
Me: Hello ma
.
Mum: Hello how are you?
.
Me: I’m fine ma
.
Mum: Have you seen alert?
.
***oh its true, i called her 3days back,
requesting for Jamb fee***
.
Me: Actually i received one message about
5min ago, but i havnt check it either its alert
or not, i will get back to you after
confirmation ma
.
Mum: Ok take care bye
.
Me: Bye ma
**hang up**
.
I brought out my phone from my pocket to
check the message, behold It was an Alert
*** You acct 305xxx has been credited with
NGN 7,000 on 30 June 2016 12:33 by cash
dep 3rd party- shola Bal: 8,245,17CR.
I read it again again and again, i placed call
to
my mum again**
.
.
Me: Hello mum, thanks a lot, have received
the
alert
.
Mum: You are welcome son, use the money
to register your jamb not for gambling in
playstation center
.
Me: Ok ma, may you live long to reap the
fruit of your labour
.
Mum: Amin bye
.
Me: bye ma
.
***hang up, turned to CNN ***
Me: Guy please you will borrow me 5k make
i also nacked the game
.
CNN : You mean money?
.
Me: No, it’s sand, please nah borrow me
.
CNN : see pesman, i don’t have such amount
with me here. Don’t you know i also played
that game with 5k and nothing on me
again
.
Me: ok no problem
*** I quickly rushed to the nearest ATM
machine to withdraw 5k out of 7k sent to
me by mum, i was so lucky when i reached
there, there is nobody there, i made the
withdrawal and rushed back to nairabet
shop, i played the game with 5k, CNN and I
about to walked out of Naira bet shop when
Dupe walked on us. Chai! … I nearly forgot i
helped this fine girl plug her phone***
.
Dupe: Please brother where is my phone
.
Me: let me get it for you, i unpluged the
phone and handed it to her but not until i
collected her number
————————————–
AN HOUR LATER. **AT CNN ROOM**
.
Me: Guy it seems that I’m having feelings for
that Dupe girl oo
.
CNN : Who is Dupe?
Me: The girl i helped charge her phone at
nairabet shop
.
CNN : Pesman put your mind at rest, you
don’t need to be worried. We are
going to Fayemi’s house in the next two
days, i believe all girls in this area will be
running after you, so forget about dupe till
we come back from Fayemi’s shrine.
.
Me: I trust you my guy.
.
*** We are in amidst of our discussion
when CNN phone rang, he picked the call
and talked like 57sec before hang up, he
faced me and said***
.
CNN: Guy you have to start going.
.
Me: What happened?
.
CNN: Tola is coming here, she just called me
.
*** Tola was CNN girlfriend, They have been
dating for 3months, 3weeks 3days now,
and time is also 3:33pm funny enough***
.
Me: *** In jealously voice*** no problem.
Afterall this is your house .
CNN: Stop talking like kid, do you want me to
be doing “programme” in your presence?
.
*** “Programme” is a code for having
s-x with opposite s-x, yoruba do called it
“Eto”***
.
Me: So you are even planning of doing a
programme with her?
.
CNN: Before nko? Tola must hear it today
.
Me: *** Felt bad*** no lele, guy let me start
going, i left his room went outside, and
walking to my house. I brought out my
phone, insert the earpice and play some cool
music, i was totally lost and gone in the
music not remembering i
was on the road, i was also shaking my
head to the ryhmes of the music. Suddenly
someone
tapped me from back, i was shocked with
the image i saw..
.
***THE UNBEARABLE***
.
Hi pesman! Have been calling your name for
a while, it seems the earpiece in your ear did
not allow you to hear. I brought out my
phone from my pocket, paused the
music and faced her.
.
Me: Oh! Dupe good afternoon
.
Dupe: Afternoon
.
Me: But how did you know my name? I
guess we met just today and i don’t
remember
If i told you my name.
.
Dupe: You shouldn’t worry about that, i did
my home work perfectly before i come.
.
*** Home work? What does she mean by
homework? Either its homework or not, i’m
less concerned. After all, i don’t have any
girlfriend, this is the best offer for me o, i
need to woo this girl***
.
Me: Ok dear, so why did you stop me?
.
Dupe: Actually i’m stranger in this area, i just
relocated, my house is boring so i have to
take a walk down the street, and i see you
that’s why i called you maybe you can keep
my company.
.
Me: Yes i can, but i’m going to my house
now, don’t know if you can follow me?
.
Dupe: No problem let’s go, guess you have
nice movies?
.
Me: I’m not that fond of movies but i have
playstation in my
room.
.
Dupe: oh! you have P. S ?
.
Me: Yes, do you play it?
.
Dupe: Yes i do
.
Me: Ok let’s go then
.
*** Hmmm, thank God o, this girl don dey
follow
me go house sha, e be like say she don love
me be that oo (reason in pigin English) And
dupe is a very beautiful girl o, Had it been
CNN didn’t send me out of his room how
will i meet this girl? Every disappointment
is a blessing. Dupe and i walked like happy
couples to my house ***
Dupe sat at the edge of my bed, there
was
no chair in my room, i intended not to have
chair. Because of some adventures like this.
.
Me: What should i offer you?
.
Dupe: Let play playstation first, it’s quite an
age i played last, after i beat you like five
times, i will tell you what to offer me
.
Me: No problem nah, i don’t argue with a
female, and your name is dupe just four (4)
letter words, i will spell it within 20 minutes
with goals
.
Dupe: stop making noise and let’s play
.
*** I powered the game console, turned on
the TV set and continued with the
settings of the game***
Dupe: This pad is wireless?
.
Me: You mean the pad you are holding?
.
Dupe: Yes
.
Me: ok, the pad is wireless
.
Dupe: I never played with wireless pad
before
.
Me: This is Playstation 3, so the pad is
wireless
.
Dupe: I haven’t played Playstation 3 before
.
Me: It is so simple and similar to PS 2, just
little miscellaneous
.
Dupe: Don’t beat me too much then
.
Me: sure i will not, i will rather teach you
how to play
*** We played the game for some hours,
infact
dupe was a professional in PS 2, the way
she
holds the pad, the way she plays, the
formation and substitutions said it all***
.
Dupe: Kunle, i don’t think i can continue
with this game again.
.
Me: But why?
.
Dupe: I’m tired, and the game is not like PS 2
am used to
.
Me: ok o, what should i offer you now? You
said earlier that you will decided after the
game and how do you know i also bears
kunle?
.
Dupe: You shouldn’t worry about that, when
its time you will know, please give me any
nice drink, not alcoholic o
.
Me: Ok o
*** chai how do i go about it now? I had no
money on me, or should i go to bank again
to withdraw the remaining 2k in my
account
(jamb fee). No! this money is for jamb
registrations not for a woman***
.
Dupe: You don’t have money?
.
Me: *surprised this girl is something else
oo* no, i have money i was only thinking of
what to buy for you
.
Dupe: I know you don’t have money, you are
also thinking of going to bank to make
some withdrawal.
.
Me: * Shocked, i’m in trouble* Dupe i have
money let me get you your drink
.
Dupe: Ok o
*** I left my room as a confused man, i
don’t know what to do, this girl must be a
witch oo, she knew everything about me.
hahaha CNN must be behind this, he was the
one revealing my secrets to this lady, but
wait oo CNN and i just met this girl today
nah, na him sabi oo, where would i even get
300naira to buy hollandia yogurt for this
girl? I brought out my phone to call CNN but
his number was switched off, hmmm this
guy must have been programmed tola by
now.
What should i do now? I was in trauma of
thinking when an idea pop into my head,
Pesman go to mama blessing shop to buy
the yogurt as credit, shebi you are not
owing her any money? My inner mind told
me.
Yes na, i don’t owe her ooo.
I left the spot of thinking and headed to
mama blessing’s shop to buy credits yogurt.
On my way to mama blessing shop, i saw
something like money in front of me, i
moved closed to the pieces of paper to
confirm either its money or not, i can’t
believed my eyes its 1000naira note, glory
be to God in heaven, but the street is
crowded street, how do i picked this money
without drawing the attention of people to
myself.
I quickly dropped my phone ontop of the
1000naira note and i picked it up with my
phone, i was about to raised up my head
when someone
tapped me from back, my heart flew away
that moment **The owner of the money
later catched me sha, i said to myself**
Me: Yes what can i do for you?
.
Guy: Please is this the way to market road?
Pointing to the front
.
Me: **Relieved** yes it is, just be going
straight
.
Guy: Thanks, he left
.
I reached mama blessing’s shop, bought
what i wanted to buy and returned to my
room to meet my visitor (Dupe)
.
Dupe: What takes you so long?
.
Me: The crowd at mama blessing shop is too
much i have to wait for my turn (i lied)
.
Dupe: Hmmmm pesman you can lie
.
Me: lie? As how?
.
Dupe: Don’t tell me you don’t pick 1000naira
note along the road?
.
Me: ** Mouth opened** 1000naira note?
Who told you i picked any money along the
road?
.
Dupe; Nobody, just guessing though
.
Me: Better!
.
*** i poured the hollandia yogurt in to two
glasses cup. I took one and gave one to
dupe, i sited beside her and stylish caress
her lap, she didn’t resist and i continued
with it***
.
Me: Dupe, i don’t want you to think that we
just met today, since when i met you at the
nairabet shop in the afternoon have been
developing some beautiful feelings for you,
Baby i must confess, i’m in love with you.
.
Dupe: Pesman i know you are a single,
loving and caring guy, but its too early to go
in relationship with you, let start with
friendship first, thought i like you so much,
but i don’t want to go in to any relationship
for now.
*** I didn’t allow her to finished her words,
i
planted a soft kiss to her lip she responded
to my
kiss, we started kissing, i began to kiss her,
sucking on her tongue like my intention was
to pull it out of her mouth.
As i did this, i ran my soft hands on her
boobs and shoulders while i kissed her back
grabbing her boobs, i was about to free her
boobs from bra prison yard and sucks the
n-----s, she held my hand and said ***
.
Dupe: Pesman it’s ok, you will have visitors
now
.
Me: lolzzz visitors ke? I don’t have any
appointment
.
Dupe: You have to believe me on this,
someone is coming here, and the person
will be here any Moment for now
.
Me: The person is your visitor right?
.
Dupe: No it yours
.
Me: Just tell me you don’t want to do it with
me
.
Dupe: Its not that i don’t want to give my
body to you, i’m found of you already and i
must confess i love you too.
.
Me: let do it then
.
Dupe: I wish we could do it, but your visitors
would spoil the fun
.
Me: But wait does…… But before i could
finished my words i heard a knock on my
door, i nearly fainted, i looked at Dupe with
surprised eyes. She smile
.
. WHO IS AT THE DOOR???
.
To be continued

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